love as though you've never been hurt.

Falling in love is a choice we cannot control, we may fight it, yes, but eventually we all lose the battle. I'm lucky enough to have met someone, after many years of trying to find that someone, who completely adores me and makes me happy beyond belief. Jonathan just stumbled into my life when I wasn't even trying to meet anyone, and since then he has forever held a piece of my heart.

Yet, lately I find myself stressed, really stressed. Stressed about a possible upcoming child support argument. Stressed about switching jobs and barely having enough money to live. Stressed about moving. I guess I shouldn't stress too much because I truely am blessed.

I find myself constantly taking the anger caused from all that stress out on someone else. Usually the victim of my rage is Jonathan. Now I know everyone at times takes their aggitation out on someone else, but this is constantly. I know he is none of the reason I am stressed, in fact (aside from Bentlee) he makes me happier than anyone else could. So why do I feel the need to let me rage out on him?

I know men have feelings too, however they don't show them like us women do. I guess it is easier to forget that the words I say actually do hurt. It's easy for me to think that he loves me and we will be together no matter what. But is that still going to be true when I push him away because of my own issues?

I guess what I am trying to say is I truely do not want to lose my little family. Not that I think I will, because I know I have met that person I was born to be with. But I feel the need to let everyone, including Jonathan, that I love him and really do appreciate everything he does for me and our small family.

I need to work on de-stressing other ways than taking it out on the one man I love much more than the stars in the sky. I think we both need to work on communication and spending more time together. Me being on my phone or computer constantly and him playing C.O.D in the same room and us not even acknowledging we are together is not a good way to be.

So from this day foward I am going to work everyday at keeping my family together. I am going to work on not causing friction in mine and Jonathan's relationship. I need him, I need him to always be my best friend, I need Briley, I need them to be with me and Bentlee until the end of time.

In a room full of people, you're always the first one I look for<3

And so my life really begins.

On December 3, 2010 at 9:20 in the morning my life really began. Sure I had survived the first 20 years of my life, but how was I going to survive the next 20? When I first saw my son I was overwhelmed, not only with the feeling of love, but also with exhaustion and pure fear. Yes, FEAR!

I suppose no one really knows the fear I am talking about until the become a mother. Here you have this baby who is otherwise helpless without you. You have waited nine or maybe ten months to meet your little bundle of joy. You have washed and sterilized everything. You have the diaper back packed. Your bags are also sitting by the door. Everything is done. You are prepared. Until you meet your child. Then you really realize you have know idea what the hell you are doing.

Knowing that I was Bentlee's only means of survival. Knowing I was the one person genetically designed to love and nurture. Protect and care for him. Was scary for me. I mean hear I am three days after my twentieth birthday having a 6 pound 6.5 ounce baby. I am not even sure how I managed to get him dressed to come home. That's how terrified I was.

And the first few weeks are a haze. I was just going with the motions. Trying to live day to day. All around my son. I would constantly second guess myself, asking if I was doing something right or how to do it. I don't know how I would have survived without Jonathan and my own mother. Like I said only another mother can understand what you are feeling.

I want everyone, especially Bentlee, to know that I love him more than life itself. I would give up my own life just so he could live his. I will always protect him no matter what the cost. To my that is a realy mother!

I guess I will end this by saying, taking on the role as a mother is the hardest job I have ever excepted and the only job I don't regret having. Bentlee Jett is the greatest blessing I could have ever received. He changed my life around and I don't know who or where I would be without him. The smallest things on earth, take up the most room in your heart. I thank God for him everyday<3