Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Strength is usually the only thing that hides fear.

I just wanted to give a full update about Bentlee's four month checkup that was today. Of course I already posted some of it and a picture on facebook, but here are some of the details I didn't share, mostly from lack of time.

He is 13 pounds and 14.5 ounces and is also almost 25 inches long! My baby has came along way from the 6 pound 6.5 ounce baby I gave birth to four months ago. That puts him between the 15 and 25 percentile in weight and between the 25 and 50 percentile in length. All that is wonderful, it makes him an average baby for his age.

He also got his four month shots, which seemed alot worse than the two month shots. At his two month shots he barely cried at all. Nope, not this time! He screamed and cried, I guess now he felt it more. Good thing I told him "It was all daddy's fault, all his idea" because he layed on my shouldar and calmed down after them:)

Now, here comes the scary part. His head circumfrence is in the 98 percentile. Tanesha, the nurse practitioner we saw today, said if his head continued to grow at a rapid rate they would have to refer him to a neurologist. She said not to worry though, she doesn't think anything is wrong, it would just be precautionary if they did have to refer him. He is developing perfect for his age.

No one wants to think anything could be wrong with their child, I'm sure even the worst of mothers would be concerned with this. Of course, being the worrying new mother I am, I am actually quite terrified with the thought that there is a minute chance something could be wrong with my baby.

Knowing that I do have to be strong, even in the worst cases, for Bentlee, is the only thing that is going to keep me sane until his six month chek-up(where hopefully they say his head is fine, his body has grown to it). I want to believe that he is fine, because he is developed perfectly. But in the back of my mind is that thought that he may have to see a specialist. I guess all I can do now is pray for the best outcome.

                                                           So that was our day today!

Monday, April 4, 2011

You've already taught me so much!

So I have wrote a couple blogs about Bentlee, and it occured to me that I haven't once mentioned Briley. That upsets me, because I love that little girl to no end. Being a mother is not an easy job, as I have stated many times. But being a step-mother is even harder. I think that's because you absolutely know your own child loves you, almost no matter what. With your step-children you long for their acceptence and approval. Not only from them but from their mother!

Briley is one of the brightest two year olds I have ever met, do not get me wrong, and do not let her fool you, she is a diva. But to be only two years old, she is amazingly smart, she has taught me so much in the short time I have known her. Not stuff that you can learn in school either, things about life and love.

I love Briley as if she was my own daughter, and I like to think that she loves me quite a bit too(I don't know if that's true, but I like to think it). I never thought I would be a step-mother, only a mother. And the truth is, there isn't much difference, only it's a lot harder to become a step-mother. I was lucky enough to meet Jonathan, who also brought Briley into my life. I honestly don't know what I would do without her, she is a precious little girl!

I was also lucky enough to be able to get along with Briley's mother, Blaire. I know, I know, most people say "You don't have to get along with them, you don't even have to speak to them." But I can tell you from my own experience it's so much easier when you do speak and when you do get along. No, me and Blaire have not always gotten along, heck at one point I'm pretty sure we despised each other. But that's all the past and I am glad we do get along, not only for the sake of Briley, but for our own sanity.

I guess the point of this is to say, if you have step-children, love them like their your own. You're lucky to have them in your life, and they love you unconditionally. You owe that to them.

              I absolutely adore you Briley Madeline!

Where have I been the past four months?

Rajneesh once said, "The moment a child is born, the mother is also born. She never existed before. The woman existed, but the woman never did. A mother is something absolutely new." There is more truth in that quote alone than any I have ever heard. Sure you think you know how to be a mother while you're pregnant, but you are not until the minute you deliver your child.

As I sit the day after Bentlee turned four months old, I think; where did the past four months go? I'm sure the people on my facebook, along with every close friend in my phone contacts, are tired of seeing all of the pictures and reading/hearing about everything my child is doing. To some it's no big deal because their child has already passed that stage, and to others I'm sure it gives them things to look forward to with their own children. Regardless, I do post three-four pictures and status' every day.

Now, that is not the point to this blog. The point is, where have I been while my baby boy has been growing? Sure, I notice that he knows his name, he can roll from his back to his side, he can hold his bottle, he can find his feet, he is starting to mimic, etc. But what I mean is how is he already four months old? It seems like just yesterday I was finding out I was pregnant, and that was a year ago! Tomorrow is his four month checkup, he gets four month shots soon, why do I not feel like my baby is two months away from being half a year old?

He is changing everyday and it breaks my heart to think soon he will be a year old. He discovers something new everyday, and everyday he is learning and getting smarter. I know every parent says this, but I believe it is true, Bentlee is going to be exceptionally intelligent. I know he is going to go far in life, as long as he has the support he needs. And I promise, I will be behind him every step of the way. Wheather he choses to study mathematics and philosophy or politics and war. Heck he may even decide to become a mechanic, not matter what I am going to be proud of him.

So to my dear Bentlee Jett; you are my sonshine! I never knew how to fully love with every ounce of my heart until the moment I saw your face. I want you to know how much mommy loves you and that amount multiplies every day. I am so happy I am a mother, but I am more happy I am your mother.

"You don't raise heroes, you raise sons.  And if you treat them like sons, they'll turn out to be heroes, even if it's just in your own eyes."  ~Walter M. Schirra, Sr.

Sunday, April 3, 2011

"Sometimes I try to ignore 'em, but I thank God for 'em.."

"I hear voices like, My dad sayin' 'Quit that team, and you'll be a quitter the rest of your life' Mama telling me to say a prayer, everytime I lay down at night. And Grandma sayin' 'If you find the one, you better treat her right' I hear voices all the time." - Chris Young.

That is one of the many theme songs to my life. Now you may think that because I was born and raised in Hicktown Tennessee that 'of course it's going to be a country song' but in all seriousness, and I think many people would agree, they can always hear people they love telling them what they should and should not do. Then again, I may be insane and need to be admitted, only time will tell that much.

The voice I hear the most is the one of the person I miss the most; my grandmother. She passed away when I was twelve years old. She was my best friend and the strongest, most beautiful, and smartest woman I have ever known. If I could be half of the woman she was I would be lucky.

Today has been eight years and three months since grandmother passed away. As I sit and look back on special belongings of hers I have, I remember her telling me to "always say I love you when you hang up the phone" or "always be happy in what you do" and "you're going to go far in life, as long as you hold your head up high" I wonder if she would be proud of the young woman, mother, student and employer I am today.

I have came a long way in those eight years, I have hit bumps in the road, I have had major and minor setbacks but I believe I am right where I need to be. I am going down the right path and raising my son the way I was raised. I thank God I can still hear my grandmothers voice keeping me straight!

So I guess the point to all this random rambling is; if you are lucky enough to have those voices in your head, don't ignore them. God put them in your head because he knew how much you would need them one day. Thank him for them, they made you who you are and keeping you the person you need to be.

"When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me.'"  ~Erma Bombeck

Saturday, April 2, 2011

love as though you've never been hurt.

Falling in love is a choice we cannot control, we may fight it, yes, but eventually we all lose the battle. I'm lucky enough to have met someone, after many years of trying to find that someone, who completely adores me and makes me happy beyond belief. Jonathan just stumbled into my life when I wasn't even trying to meet anyone, and since then he has forever held a piece of my heart.

Yet, lately I find myself stressed, really stressed. Stressed about a possible upcoming child support argument. Stressed about switching jobs and barely having enough money to live. Stressed about moving. I guess I shouldn't stress too much because I truely am blessed.

I find myself constantly taking the anger caused from all that stress out on someone else. Usually the victim of my rage is Jonathan. Now I know everyone at times takes their aggitation out on someone else, but this is constantly. I know he is none of the reason I am stressed, in fact (aside from Bentlee) he makes me happier than anyone else could. So why do I feel the need to let me rage out on him?

I know men have feelings too, however they don't show them like us women do. I guess it is easier to forget that the words I say actually do hurt. It's easy for me to think that he loves me and we will be together no matter what. But is that still going to be true when I push him away because of my own issues?

I guess what I am trying to say is I truely do not want to lose my little family. Not that I think I will, because I know I have met that person I was born to be with. But I feel the need to let everyone, including Jonathan, that I love him and really do appreciate everything he does for me and our small family.

I need to work on de-stressing other ways than taking it out on the one man I love much more than the stars in the sky. I think we both need to work on communication and spending more time together. Me being on my phone or computer constantly and him playing C.O.D in the same room and us not even acknowledging we are together is not a good way to be.

So from this day foward I am going to work everyday at keeping my family together. I am going to work on not causing friction in mine and Jonathan's relationship. I need him, I need him to always be my best friend, I need Briley, I need them to be with me and Bentlee until the end of time.

In a room full of people, you're always the first one I look for<3

Friday, April 1, 2011

And so my life really begins.

On December 3, 2010 at 9:20 in the morning my life really began. Sure I had survived the first 20 years of my life, but how was I going to survive the next 20? When I first saw my son I was overwhelmed, not only with the feeling of love, but also with exhaustion and pure fear. Yes, FEAR!

I suppose no one really knows the fear I am talking about until the become a mother. Here you have this baby who is otherwise helpless without you. You have waited nine or maybe ten months to meet your little bundle of joy. You have washed and sterilized everything. You have the diaper back packed. Your bags are also sitting by the door. Everything is done. You are prepared. Until you meet your child. Then you really realize you have know idea what the hell you are doing.

Knowing that I was Bentlee's only means of survival. Knowing I was the one person genetically designed to love and nurture. Protect and care for him. Was scary for me. I mean hear I am three days after my twentieth birthday having a 6 pound 6.5 ounce baby. I am not even sure how I managed to get him dressed to come home. That's how terrified I was.

And the first few weeks are a haze. I was just going with the motions. Trying to live day to day. All around my son. I would constantly second guess myself, asking if I was doing something right or how to do it. I don't know how I would have survived without Jonathan and my own mother. Like I said only another mother can understand what you are feeling.

I want everyone, especially Bentlee, to know that I love him more than life itself. I would give up my own life just so he could live his. I will always protect him no matter what the cost. To my that is a realy mother!

I guess I will end this by saying, taking on the role as a mother is the hardest job I have ever excepted and the only job I don't regret having. Bentlee Jett is the greatest blessing I could have ever received. He changed my life around and I don't know who or where I would be without him. The smallest things on earth, take up the most room in your heart. I thank God for him everyday<3