On December 3, 2010 at 9:20 in the morning my life really began. Sure I had survived the first 20 years of my life, but how was I going to survive the next 20? When I first saw my son I was overwhelmed, not only with the feeling of love, but also with exhaustion and pure fear. Yes, FEAR!
I suppose no one really knows the fear I am talking about until the become a mother. Here you have this baby who is otherwise helpless without you. You have waited nine or maybe ten months to meet your little bundle of joy. You have washed and sterilized everything. You have the diaper back packed. Your bags are also sitting by the door. Everything is done. You are prepared. Until you meet your child. Then you really realize you have know idea what the hell you are doing.
Knowing that I was Bentlee's only means of survival. Knowing I was the one person genetically designed to love and nurture. Protect and care for him. Was scary for me. I mean hear I am three days after my twentieth birthday having a 6 pound 6.5 ounce baby. I am not even sure how I managed to get him dressed to come home. That's how terrified I was.
And the first few weeks are a haze. I was just going with the motions. Trying to live day to day. All around my son. I would constantly second guess myself, asking if I was doing something right or how to do it. I don't know how I would have survived without Jonathan and my own mother. Like I said only another mother can understand what you are feeling.
I want everyone, especially Bentlee, to know that I love him more than life itself. I would give up my own life just so he could live his. I will always protect him no matter what the cost. To my that is a realy mother!
I guess I will end this by saying, taking on the role as a mother is the hardest job I have ever excepted and the only job I don't regret having. Bentlee Jett is the greatest blessing I could have ever received. He changed my life around and I don't know who or where I would be without him. The smallest things on earth, take up the most room in your heart. I thank God for him everyday<3